Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
