They should really pass out barf bags in church
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
