so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
