my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
