I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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