I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
