listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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