I will die if light touches me.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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