It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
