i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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