i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
