Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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