that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
