so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
