Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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