So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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