you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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