cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
