Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
