apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
