I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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