you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
