why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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