"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
