Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
