He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
