Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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