I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
