Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
