Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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