No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
