Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
