I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
