when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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