mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
