awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
