I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
