I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
