Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
