I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
