Can i not drive my cunt home
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You ate ashes out of my bong
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
