I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
