i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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