I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
