I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
