Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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