somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
