and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We just shotgunned beers for America
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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