My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
