Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
