you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Vodka?
Forever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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