Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
