Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
