What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
