You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
