You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish you could order shots online.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
