Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
