She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
