What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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