who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
