First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
