she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Shame - the story of my life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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