i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
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She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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